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JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150." The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

BMW TO BORROW $5000

A young Yoruba man walks into a bank in New York City
and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Lagos on
a vacation, for two weeks, and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need
some form of security for the loan, so the Yoruba
hands over the keys to a new brand BMW 6 series.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
The yourba man produces the title and everything
checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good
laugh at the yoruba man, for using an $80,000 BMW as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the yoruba man returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The
loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a successful business man. What puzzles us is,why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Yoruba man replies: "Where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks, and pay only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I return?"

The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the
garage, windows down and sunroof open. Juju music
blasting from his car, as he pulled away

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

The Big Date

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested.
Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!
She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday. Finally, Friday came.

As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for. Finally, 7 O'clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mikey!" she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!!"

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door- then IT hit her. Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do?? Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he's just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the car.
Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Suzie, I'd like you to meet my brother Carl and his date."

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

state of the nation
Agege bread price don clock 55naira for my country. My people still dey burn demselves ontop 20 naira okada parking space. Which kind crase be this?
Police and Army fight war for Ojuelegba. them kill students, shoot pedestrian for breast. Again, my people, which kind crase be this?
Light dey go dey come.The light no send again. Water sef, if e dey, we no fit drink. Mosquito still dey chop us for there. Plenty Pikin still dey quench from malaria and diarrha for 2005.
Still one road from lekki to Surulere since independence. Fuel 70 naira per litre. How country go dey produce fuel make people pf country no see fuel? Which kind crase be this?

Upon this, dem still dey empty our treasury go do liposuction ontop 60-year old woman for Spain. Which kind crase be this?

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

Dem burn eleven yr old P.I.K.I.N alive on the basis of the child being a kidnapper. Which kain crase be this?
Dem dey deceive demselves up and down in the name of rehabilitating roads wey go spoil once rain fall. Which kain crase be this?
Upon say dem dey loot our treasury dey do all manners of liposuctions and "belle-suctions" dem still dey spend hundreds of millions (abi e pass?) of naira to bury the recepient of one of those "corrective surgeries" gone bad while the living are alive and are in dire want of food and water in the same country. Which kain crase be this?
Dem dey do, have done and will do many many things wey go make us ask "which kain crase be this?!?"
And I don dey wonder whether all these abominable things follow for signs of "The End"....What a tragic end it'll be....
And i'm forced to say...."Na spiritual Crase be this!"

GOD HELP US!!!

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

vagabonds
Major General Civilian President "I am born-again" Olusengun Obasanjo don do Nigeria government reach 7 years... No head no tail... 16 billion naira deficit for COJA. Where all the money? Them nabb governor for london with 1.8 million pounds cash... Abacha recorvered siphons...556 trillion naira... Where all the money?
Them theives. Them vagabonds.

CLEVER NIGERIANS

Three nigerians and three accountants traveled by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants bought tickets and watched as
the three nigerians bought only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an
accountant. "Watch and you'll see, " answered an nigerian.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats but all three nigerians crammed into a toilet and closed the door
behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around
collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference, the
accountants decided to copy the nigerians on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to
the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the nigerians did not buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed
accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an nigerian.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
toilet and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The
train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the nigeriansleft his restroom and walked
over to the toilet where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on
the door and said, "Ticket, please."

at da club

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

US-Embassy Wahala

Nonsense Oyinbo pipu, I kuku don collect my visa now…what! what!! what!!! * crip walks errywherrre*. Dis happened many yrs ago, wey I apply for visa for U.S embassy. As the line dey take long and pipu dey tanda for sun all day, I come chop 2 plates of beans bifor I commot house for morning to withstand the heat. So 2pm arrive, the queue line don trail slowly enter the embassy o, the weather dey hot, dem AC system don get yawa….na so we begin dey sweat…dey sweat like sikin wey chop ecoli….small time my belle begin grumble…..*prrriiiihh…prruuhh…prapraaahh* …Ah! tears dropped from my eyes…no!! this can't happen to me..of all days…the whole area dey hott like hell…no wind…no AC…and efribody dey huddled up togerra. I looked upon heaven…make Don Gee look me with mercy…and then * fruuhh…frahh…..freeefi *, Oh Lord!!!…the gases inside me begin erupt, na so I close my legs and tighten ma nyansh muscles make anything no escape. I try hold am sotay..na lie! The gods were not on my side today…the Force no dey ma body, as I no fit hold am anymore, I kuku say make I let am out felefele (silently)...but alas! even Oduduwa ma ***** denied me…na so the thing explode Prrrrragbra!! pro proprarrrraaaa…..pupupupooo * Olorun Mose oooo! peeps begin point fingers at me…"Na hin do am…na hin do". I looked around apologetically…"I yam sorry, na accidental discharge ," I whispered. Before you could say 'eran sikin'…the thing stank the whole arena…peeps begin cover nose dey shout…as the air dey still, the smell just cover us like rash. Na so the employees wey dey behind glass bar ask make every body take 10mins time-out….......
.…10mins became 40mins…40mins reach 1hr…the smell no gree commot o, come see how pipu don swell up like balloon. Na so dey go carry manual fans and open all windows…but na lie, the stank smell just dey increase double…mo daran! na felefele fart I been think say e be. Na so dey kuku call the Director and and embassy security…bifor oyinbo Director could walk 4 feet into the arena, na so the smell hit am…he fainted! Small time dem say dey go shut down embassy…omo guy, I come dey begin analyze the scenario, see say dis thing don pass be careful…small time I wan use backdoor gbeja danu….dem spotted yours truly and everybody dey halla, "Catch am! catch am…na hin do am! catch am!" Na so dem carry me, tell me say I be terrorist wey come release biological nerve gas…come ban me 4yrs from entering the embassy again.
Wetin I do tori Olohun…..na only beans I chop…nerve gas ke?

5. Seat belts for church ke.........

After I nefa go church for like 6 months , I come enter this church wey I always dey see for my street, Lalupon Deliverance Ministery. I come enter church siddon, the pastor dey preach say today na Deliverance day...and its about to begin. Dem carry mic warn pipu make everybody put on dem seat-belt...I say shuoo...seat belt for church seat ke...truly truly my seat get seat belt...I was iddokay. As pastor dey do deliverance...maybe na hin dey topple people to ground with hin hands...or maybe na Holy Ghost...I couldn't tell...until he reach the guy by my side. Hin see me....i see am...come recognise say am say na hin be the Babalawo for ma village sef, and I don pansh hin wife bifor for ma undergrad days...fear grip me say dis man go kill me at any given opportunity. Bifor he reach me, hin almost pull out the other guy's head commot hin body...talk say evil spirit dey inside am, come push am for ground all bruised. As he come turn to me....he come scream say oga patapata devil spirit dey inside me...I come laff tell am say: "Oga Pasitor, I beg move on to the other pesin, today ain't ma deliverance day...the spirit wey dey inside na Hunger spirit, and its not violent in nature...cuz the Force dey ma body, abeg commot dia." He come call hin congregation make dem arrest me...I looked around say if this people hold me down here...na die I for die. Small time I commot my lebe.....slash like 5 pipu to the ground, come run for ma dear laif commot church. Awon alakoba....dem go put me for yawa!

Psychologist indeed

Psychologist indeed!!
An old lady of 99 years won a lottery of 25 million pounds so the family members were scared of breaking the news to her, feeling that she might hear the news and die out of happiness, so they decided to employ the services of a psychologist who boasted that he had been doing such for the past 20 yrs, finally the old woman was brought to the hospital and was examined by the psychologist, the doctor after playing and beatin around the bush asked her, ' if you won 25 million pounds in a lottery what would you do with it?", the woman replied" i will give you half"
On hearing this... The psychologist fainted and died..

Another Married Couple .....

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying
as, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know. there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...
"LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR **** BEER IN YOUR **** FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO ANY FRICKING BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER...GOT IT,

Stella OBJ in heaven

Stella died and went to heaven ... As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?" "That's Bishop Ajayi Crowther's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?" St Peter responded, "That's Nnamdi Azikwe's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Zik told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's my husband Obasanjo's clock?" asked Stella. "Obasanjo's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan. just a joke

Girls night -out

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

The elderly Italian

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at the site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people 4rm neighborhood rushed around to know de cause of this. de man asked junior to tell everybody wat the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number u r Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment Pls Try Again Later.....

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

Litu Johnny Don Come Again O!
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money really fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after three hours the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "THE BAS*ARD USED COINS!!!"

CHILD(ren) CUSTODY...MEN SHOULD ALWAYS WIN if all things are equal!!

U be the judge of it!

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
!!

NAggging women

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always
complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was
when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump,
and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing
him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with
both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when
a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute,
then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the
minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress
was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Adam´s fault

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely so, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman
He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children.and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
“She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
Of course the rest is history………………….
Good Luck!

The sharing of marriage

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them intotwo piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set thecup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten abite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old womansaid "No, thank you,we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with thenapkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
"THE TEETH."

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

There was this very rich Ibo man in Nnewi who had only one daughter. When the daughter was of marriage age, the father sent news around town that all the eligible young men should come out on a particular day to compete in a test which would determine who was fit to marry his daughter. On that set day, all the able-bodied young men came out. Some came with paper and biro and others with cutlasses and swords.
The rich man took them to his swimming pool and addressed the men: "any of you who can swim from one end of this swimming pool to the other would marry my daughter. In addition, I’ll give him 15 million naira, a car and a house so they can start of life well. I shall be waiting to meet my son-in-law at the other side. Good luck!" As the young men, all very excited at the prospect of winning, started taking off their shirts, a helicopter came over the pool and dropped snakes and crocodiles into the pool. Immediately all the men turned back and started wearing their shirts again. Dissapointed, some of them said “make de man go marry im pikin jo!”.
All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched in amazement as one gentleman struggled his way across, avoiding the snakes and crocodiles. Finally, he made it to the other side as the would-be in-law, panting. The rich man, could not believe it. He asked the man to name anything he wanted. The man was still panting uncontrollably. Finally, he got himself together and made his request saying, “…show me the pesin wey… push me inside di swimming pool”

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

one man way go 4 shop go buy shoe dem tell am say ur size na size 42 but na 150 euros .d man spark say y na . e say wat about size 46 dem tell am say na d same prize d man say better give me size 46 way big pass bcos una spend more lether 4 dis one

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "****."

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?........hahahahahah

AIDS or Alzheimer?

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's specimen to the lab for testing yesterday, a specimen from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.
Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Twins, 7-up

There were three men waiting outside the hospital delivery room. After awhile, a nurse came into the waiting room and said, "Congratulation, mr brown, you’re the father of twins!" "Well, what a coincidence," said Mr Brown. I work for the Minneneotea Twins Football team! Soon the nurse came into the waiting room again and said "Congratulation, Mr Green! You’re the father of triplet!" "Well what coincidence," said Mr Green. "I work for the 3-m Corporation!" The third man in the waiting room got up from his seat and started to leave. The nurse saw him and said, "Wait, sir, you can’t go get. Your wife hasn’t delivered! Why are you leaving now?" the man turned around and said, "I’m going to find a second job because I work for the 7-up Company!"

Crazy english

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? ha ha ha hehe..Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Oops..Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker.If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why is it called building when it is already built? If the past tense of teach is taught why won't the past ternse of preach be praught? If the past tense of teach is taught why won't the past trnse of preach be praught? I see no reason why it rained cat& dog even when you didn't see the cats and the dogs. English language is a crazy language by crazy people for a crazy world..WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Weeding reception speech

During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with: I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf. Also to my brothers wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown. Am so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help....Na by force to marry???????

3 women in heaven

Three women in heaven

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
__________________

How was I born?

i found this funny, hope you will. Junior asks his dad: "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and replies: "Ah, my son, I guess one day, you would have to find out anyway. " Well, you see, your mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. " Then I set up a date via email with your mum and we met at a cyber- cafe".We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to download from my hard drive. " As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. " 6 weeks later, your mum sent me and instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file, which had implanted itself in her BIOS."Then 9months later there was a pop up ad.

BIN LADEN TO BUSH

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA And the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..figure it out yourself

Mother of six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides
that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

How A 7 Year Old Explains Sex Its Hella Funny

This is how a kid explains sex,

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, -a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet .

Man and wife

A man and his wife were driving on a highway when a cop stopped them. The following conversation ensued...
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were driving 75mph in a 55mph zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 55
Wife: Oh Henry, you were going 80!
Henry turns around and gives his wife a dirty look.

Cop: Sir, I'm also going to give you a ticket for a broken tail light.
Man: But officer, I didn't know that the tail light was broken.
Wife: Oh Henry, you've known about that broken tail light for over 4 weeks!!
Husband gives wife another dirty look.

Cop: I'm also going to give you another ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: But... but... officer, I was wearing my seat belt!
Wife: Come on Henry, you NEVER wear your seat belt.
Husband looks at his wife and yells: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT YOUR **** MOUTH???!!!
Cop: Ma'am, does he always talk to you like that.
Wife: No officer, only when he's drunk.

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone." No more headaches.



"What happened?



His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache'; 'I
do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
headaches are all gone."



" Well, that is wonderful." husband says.



His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and
see If he can do anything for that?"



The husband agrees to try it.



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
the
bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"



The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."



He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning.



Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



With that, he goes back in the bathroom.



This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying,



"She's not my wife".



"She's not my wife".



"She's not my wife!"



His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Bible reading police in Naija!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Lagos-Ibadan express road when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something'

from him.

Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car.

A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V.

That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!

Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :

"Please, leave that pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it."

The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:

"Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me". The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."

The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" one N100 to his newly found "preacher".

End of service! Go in peace and argue no more. said the OC.

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife
interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have an Npower logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" "Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close
properly."
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written
on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time.
When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and
the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a
beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just
then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.
She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my
forehead? I don't think so!"

Three Eggs and $100

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A group of technologists were showcasing their nations' prowess in the Cebit technology fair recently and the German stood up & said his nation is the best in technology. 'We are so good, if we conduct elections today we'll get the results tomorrow'. The Japanese rose and said they were definitely better; ' We are so good, we get results of elections immediately after the elections. Our elections are monitored online, realtime'. The Nigeria needn't stand up to speak, he made his speech while seated. 'And you all call that technology? In Nigeria we already know the results of elections before they are conducted'!!!!!!!

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

Two CALABAR WOMEN were waiting at the Gate OF HEAVEN and struck up a conversation. First WOMAN says "How did you die?" Second says "I froze to death". First WOMAN says "Must have been awful." Second WOMAN says "How did you die?" First WOMAN says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died." Second WOMAN says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive!

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2. the most common name in the world is Muhammad.
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3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
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4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
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6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
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7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
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8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
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9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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10. People say “Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
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11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
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12. The “sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
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13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. Say Dr. Ukiri Richard
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14. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. – Honey

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15. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

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16. A snail can sleep for three years

17. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
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17. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
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18. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
15. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
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36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

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37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A pastor was asked to minister in a particular church and as usual; he asked a popular question which almost every pastor asks. “How many of you want to go to heaven”? Every one responded positively to the question except one girl who acted as if the invitation wasn’t meant for her. The pastor however was so shocked and asked the girl to see him immediately after the service.

Pastor: Why didn’t you raise your hand during the sermon? Or don’t you want to go to heaven?

Girl: I would have loved to go, but my Aunty said I should return home immediately after the service

As if that wasn’t enough, a woman who had been weeping through out the service also came to see him.

Pastor: I noticed that you wept through out the service. Do you wish to give your life to Christ?

Woman: I’ve already done that. It’s just that your beard reminded me of my “He goat” which was stolen from my compound two weeks ago.

And she continued to cry…

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A little girl got pregnant and her father was so furious he kept on asking himself, who could do this to my little girl?
Later he asked the girl who was responsible for the pregnancy.
At first, she refused to tell him but after a while she opened up and told him the whole truth, that the pregnancy belong to a very famous chief.
The father however called the chief and they both sat down to discuss about the whole matter.

Father: I learnt you are responsible for the 3 weeks pregnancy my daughter is carrying.

Chief: that’s true sir, but let me add this, if she gives birth to a male child, I’ll give you 5 million naira along with a furnished flat. If she gives birth to a female child, I’ll give you 2 million naira and a bungalow. If she gives birth to twins, I’ll give you 10 million naira along with a duplex
But if she has a miscarriage…

quickly the father added

Father: you will have to sleep with her again.

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

Stella died and went to heaven. When she got there, she noticed that at a particular part of heaven, God kept some clocks.
So she decided to ask her guardian angel what those clocks are used for.

Stella: [to the angel] Please tell me, what are all these clocks for

Angel: They are lie clocks. Whenever you tell a lie, it would move.

So Stella and the angel decided to explore the whole area.

They found Obafemi Awolowo’s clock, and discovered that the hand never moved which means that Awolowo never told us a lie.

They also found Herbert maculy’s clock, the hand also was still stagnant which means that he too never told us a lie

They also found Nnamdi Azikiwe’s clock and discovered the hand move twice, which means Azikiwe, lied to us only twice.

Finally she asked the angel to permit her to see her husband’s clock Obsanjo

The angel however responded her saying; your husband’s clock is in God’s office. It has become a ceiling fan.

Can you raed tihs?

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

Re: JOKES! JOKES!! JOKES!!!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This

new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The

room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant

business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked "How

much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make

$300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four

weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and

asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "he's the pizza delivery guy from

Dominos."

Naija english

1. Insult upon injury
2. Nonsense and Ingredient
3. If i sound u ehh, I will soon slap you
4. How Far?
5. Can i see your particulars?
6. Anything for me sir? anything for boys?
7. Are you mad?
8. Half-caste
9. Next tomorrow
10. Make i come block you dia
11. Lie, Lie
12. See me see trouble oh
13. Shift for me let me sit
14. abeg vamus!
15. nonsense, say wetin happen?
16. Abomination!
17. Over my dead body
18. God forbid bad thing
19. I need to retouch my hair
20. any word with 'bloody' eg bloody fool, bloody liar
21. Na wa oooo
22. Tell me something
23. Why do you want to know my name?
24. I beg joo
25. Can u imagine.....
26. wonders shall never end....
27. Tufiakwa
28. Chei, Kai
29. Oya
30. Hold on I want to branch somewhere
31. Come and Escort Me
32. Stop at that junction over there
33. Borrow me your pen/biro
34. Still yet
35. Me and you go enter the same trouser
36. You are so annoying
37. Why? Because Y has a long tail and 2 branches
38. What is the time? Quarter To buy your own
39. Effico
40. ITK- I too know
41. Mumu
42. How are you? 'We're managing'
43. and so what?
44. I want some assorted biscuits eg Rich tea, Digestive
45. Your face looks familiar
46. You are so daft
47. NFA- No future ambition
48. Are you already ready?
49. That was so dry!
50. My belly is full
51. Did they sack you?
52. I trekked all the way here
53. Where is the toilet, I want to ****
54. I want to drink cold mineral
55. Which ones now?
56. He was trying to toast me
57. Jacker
58. Your head is not correct
59. Have you seen that film before?
60. Just imagine!
61. My school fees money
62. No wahala!
63. Revise back small
64. Oya, shake body
65. Shine your eye
66. Carry go
67. Don't try me o 68. Enough effizzy
69. Nna, You chop?
70. What happen?
71. We go wash am o!
72. Eeyin, but why? (meaning ore/aboki/friend-- why now?)
73. You yab gon!
74. No be soooo!
75. I will see you today, athink?
76. Cold iced water!
77. Your Pepper don rest! (you are loaded in terms of cash)

Materialistic Ibo man

An ibo man driving in his brand new BMW Z8 pulls over to take a leak. A truck speeding down the street crashes into his door just as he`s about to come out of his car, sending it flying off the hinges. Enraged, he uses his cell phone to call police emergency number. When the police arrives he explains what happened "Oga Police officer, di man jus come smash off de door a mi BMW!! My $39.000 car is now write off to rass!!" The police, after surveying the scene shakes his head in amazement and says, "You Ibos are so materialistic. You`re so into the damage of your car door, that you didn`t even realize that your hand has been ripped of with the door!!" The guy, finally realizing this, looks at his amputated hand and screams out , "Chineke!! Mi rolex!!!"

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