A man and his wife were driving on a highway when a cop stopped them. The following conversation ensued...
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were driving 75mph in a 55mph zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 55
Wife: Oh Henry, you were going 80!
Henry turns around and gives his wife a dirty look.

Cop: Sir, I'm also going to give you a ticket for a broken tail light.
Man: But officer, I didn't know that the tail light was broken.
Wife: Oh Henry, you've known about that broken tail light for over 4 weeks!!
Husband gives wife another dirty look.

Cop: I'm also going to give you another ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: But... but... officer, I was wearing my seat belt!
Wife: Come on Henry, you NEVER wear your seat belt.
Husband looks at his wife and yells: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT YOUR **** MOUTH???!!!
Cop: Ma'am, does he always talk to you like that.
Wife: No officer, only when he's drunk.

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone." No more headaches.



"What happened?



His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache'; 'I
do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
headaches are all gone."



" Well, that is wonderful." husband says.



His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and
see If he can do anything for that?"



The husband agrees to try it.



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
the
bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"



The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."



He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning.



Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



With that, he goes back in the bathroom.



This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying,



"She's not my wife".



"She's not my wife".



"She's not my wife!"



His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

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On Lagos-Ibadan express road when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something'

from him.

Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car.

A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V.

That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!

Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :

"Please, leave that pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it."

The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:

"Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me". The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."

The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" one N100 to his newly found "preacher".

End of service! Go in peace and argue no more. said the OC.

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife
interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have an Npower logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" "Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close
properly."
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written
on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time.
When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and
the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a
beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just
then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.
She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my
forehead? I don't think so!"

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

A group of technologists were showcasing their nations' prowess in the Cebit technology fair recently and the German stood up & said his nation is the best in technology. 'We are so good, if we conduct elections today we'll get the results tomorrow'. The Japanese rose and said they were definitely better; ' We are so good, we get results of elections immediately after the elections. Our elections are monitored online, realtime'. The Nigeria needn't stand up to speak, he made his speech while seated. 'And you all call that technology? In Nigeria we already know the results of elections before they are conducted'!!!!!!!

Two CALABAR WOMEN were waiting at the Gate OF HEAVEN and struck up a conversation. First WOMAN says "How did you die?" Second says "I froze to death". First WOMAN says "Must have been awful." Second WOMAN says "How did you die?" First WOMAN says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died." Second WOMAN says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive!

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2. the most common name in the world is Muhammad.
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3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
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4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
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6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
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7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
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8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
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9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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10. People say “Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
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11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
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12. The “sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
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13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. Say Dr. Ukiri Richard
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14. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. – Honey

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15. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

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16. A snail can sleep for three years

17. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
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17. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
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18. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
15. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
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36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

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37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

A pastor was asked to minister in a particular church and as usual; he asked a popular question which almost every pastor asks. “How many of you want to go to heaven”? Every one responded positively to the question except one girl who acted as if the invitation wasn’t meant for her. The pastor however was so shocked and asked the girl to see him immediately after the service.

Pastor: Why didn’t you raise your hand during the sermon? Or don’t you want to go to heaven?

Girl: I would have loved to go, but my Aunty said I should return home immediately after the service

As if that wasn’t enough, a woman who had been weeping through out the service also came to see him.

Pastor: I noticed that you wept through out the service. Do you wish to give your life to Christ?

Woman: I’ve already done that. It’s just that your beard reminded me of my “He goat” which was stolen from my compound two weeks ago.

And she continued to cry…

A little girl got pregnant and her father was so furious he kept on asking himself, who could do this to my little girl?
Later he asked the girl who was responsible for the pregnancy.
At first, she refused to tell him but after a while she opened up and told him the whole truth, that the pregnancy belong to a very famous chief.
The father however called the chief and they both sat down to discuss about the whole matter.

Father: I learnt you are responsible for the 3 weeks pregnancy my daughter is carrying.

Chief: that’s true sir, but let me add this, if she gives birth to a male child, I’ll give you 5 million naira along with a furnished flat. If she gives birth to a female child, I’ll give you 2 million naira and a bungalow. If she gives birth to twins, I’ll give you 10 million naira along with a duplex
But if she has a miscarriage…

quickly the father added

Father: you will have to sleep with her again.

Stella died and went to heaven. When she got there, she noticed that at a particular part of heaven, God kept some clocks.
So she decided to ask her guardian angel what those clocks are used for.

Stella: [to the angel] Please tell me, what are all these clocks for

Angel: They are lie clocks. Whenever you tell a lie, it would move.

So Stella and the angel decided to explore the whole area.

They found Obafemi Awolowo’s clock, and discovered that the hand never moved which means that Awolowo never told us a lie.

They also found Herbert maculy’s clock, the hand also was still stagnant which means that he too never told us a lie

They also found Nnamdi Azikiwe’s clock and discovered the hand move twice, which means Azikiwe, lied to us only twice.

Finally she asked the angel to permit her to see her husband’s clock Obsanjo

The angel however responded her saying; your husband’s clock is in God’s office. It has become a ceiling fan.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This

new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The

room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant

business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked "How

much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make

$300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four

weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and

asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "he's the pizza delivery guy from

Dominos."

1. Insult upon injury
2. Nonsense and Ingredient
3. If i sound u ehh, I will soon slap you
4. How Far?
5. Can i see your particulars?
6. Anything for me sir? anything for boys?
7. Are you mad?
8. Half-caste
9. Next tomorrow
10. Make i come block you dia
11. Lie, Lie
12. See me see trouble oh
13. Shift for me let me sit
14. abeg vamus!
15. nonsense, say wetin happen?
16. Abomination!
17. Over my dead body
18. God forbid bad thing
19. I need to retouch my hair
20. any word with 'bloody' eg bloody fool, bloody liar
21. Na wa oooo
22. Tell me something
23. Why do you want to know my name?
24. I beg joo
25. Can u imagine.....
26. wonders shall never end....
27. Tufiakwa
28. Chei, Kai
29. Oya
30. Hold on I want to branch somewhere
31. Come and Escort Me
32. Stop at that junction over there
33. Borrow me your pen/biro
34. Still yet
35. Me and you go enter the same trouser
36. You are so annoying
37. Why? Because Y has a long tail and 2 branches
38. What is the time? Quarter To buy your own
39. Effico
40. ITK- I too know
41. Mumu
42. How are you? 'We're managing'
43. and so what?
44. I want some assorted biscuits eg Rich tea, Digestive
45. Your face looks familiar
46. You are so daft
47. NFA- No future ambition
48. Are you already ready?
49. That was so dry!
50. My belly is full
51. Did they sack you?
52. I trekked all the way here
53. Where is the toilet, I want to ****
54. I want to drink cold mineral
55. Which ones now?
56. He was trying to toast me
57. Jacker
58. Your head is not correct
59. Have you seen that film before?
60. Just imagine!
61. My school fees money
62. No wahala!
63. Revise back small
64. Oya, shake body
65. Shine your eye
66. Carry go
67. Don't try me o 68. Enough effizzy
69. Nna, You chop?
70. What happen?
71. We go wash am o!
72. Eeyin, but why? (meaning ore/aboki/friend-- why now?)
73. You yab gon!
74. No be soooo!
75. I will see you today, athink?
76. Cold iced water!
77. Your Pepper don rest! (you are loaded in terms of cash)

An ibo man driving in his brand new BMW Z8 pulls over to take a leak. A truck speeding down the street crashes into his door just as he`s about to come out of his car, sending it flying off the hinges. Enraged, he uses his cell phone to call police emergency number. When the police arrives he explains what happened "Oga Police officer, di man jus come smash off de door a mi BMW!! My $39.000 car is now write off to rass!!" The police, after surveying the scene shakes his head in amazement and says, "You Ibos are so materialistic. You`re so into the damage of your car door, that you didn`t even realize that your hand has been ripped of with the door!!" The guy, finally realizing this, looks at his amputated hand and screams out , "Chineke!! Mi rolex!!!"

A guy goes to visit his doctor. Here is the conversation that ensued.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery..

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied.

The doctor fainted!

lol that was hilarious!